4 Things To Change For Chinese New Year


I love Chinese New Year more than the next guy. Aside from the typical Chinese New Year things like family feuds and food comas, Chinese New Year is another chance for you to remake your failed new year resolutions and post up your selfies with cringe-worthy captions like 新年新的我. But this time, y'know, only for the Chinese people (sorry everybody else)

New year, fat me.

One of the most important thing during Chinese New Year is undoubtedly changing everything about yourself; including clothes, hairstyle, food intake quantity...I'm just saying. I've never taken this seriously before in my life because why change perfection? That delusion was shattered by my dad and his epic burns. So I decided that this Chinese New Year, I would go and make myself desirable. I would change my entire wardrobe, my hairstyle and hope that I wouldn't be the butt of anyone's jokes anymore.

The journey to changing my wardrobe was fairly simple. I went to buy a new wardrobe from the newly opened IKEA Cheras and with a single match, coupled with a generous amount of gasoline, made short work of the old wooden wardrobe.

Out with the old and in with the new, I say.

I don't really have a great fashion sense. I just usually throw on anything within arm's reach that doesn't make me want to throw up my lunch. But then again, it's always been a tradition to buy and wear new clothes for Chinese New Year.

For the Instagram #OOTDs, man.

So this year, I dug particularly deep into the mountain of clothes sitting in my room and dug out a few clothes I have never ever seen before. I probably wore it once or twice in the past before it got buried beneath Mount Clothesmore.

Actual footage of Mount Clothesmore.

It's not new, but it could probably trick more than one person.

A haircut is probably the top of my Chinese New Year to do list. Every year around this time, my hair would start its slow descent into madness; a hairy lump of fibre that cannot even be described in proper English. It's almost impossible to manage even by slathering copious amounts of gel and wax in an attempt to quell the raging beast. Running out of ways to manage my hair, I turned to the next best solution; Number76.

Number76, as you all may know from my last post, did a jolly good job on my hair. They've previously helped me change my style from a child to a child with a cooler hairstyle, so I trusted them completely with my decision to become more like the Korean idols that dominate my life now.

"So what are you planning to do today?" the friendly hairstylist whose Instagram handle (@76yamamoto) suggested that that he was well versed in all 76 different hairstyle manuals.

"I'm looking to be more Korean today." I replied with a fervour that I did not usually possess unless anything to do with the wonderful land of Korea was involved. "I want the girls to line up for me and scream my name too."

"J-pop has been around for a longer time, and its influence on the global pop scene is more unique and far reaching. J-pop has embedded itself into modern pop culture and Modern J-pop has its roots in traditional Japanese music, but significantly in 1960s pop and rock music, such as The Beatles and The Beach Boys. The J-Pop style has been copied by neighboring Asian regions, including China, Taiwan and Korea, who have also borrowed the name to form their own musical identities, much like how this entire paragraph was borrowed from Wikipedia. In 1987..."

It was around this time that I woke up from my nap. I usually fall asleep during lectures.


I looked into the mirror and saw myself, only more good looking. Outside, I could see a small line of girls forming to take a peek at the majesty that was me.

"You have created a masterpiece." I breathed.

Yamamoto sighed contentedly, his job completed. "I know."

"Did you also know that Number76 is having a scalp treatment promotion happening now?" I said to no one in particular. "It's 20% off for all scalp treatments from now until 7th February 2016!" I took a deep breath before continuing, "I'm going to plug this promotion even if it doesn't make sense in this storyline."

The plug.

"Also," I continued like the trooper I was, "during Chinese New Year, there is also no price increase for haircuts. Unlike the aunties in the market trying to rip off your precious ringgits for a box of mandarin oranges, you can be sure that with every snip, your ringgits will be well worth it."

"Who are you talking to, Joel-san?" Yamamoto inquired, looking as though he was ready to drop me at any second.

"Just to my legion of fans." I replied, staring off into the distance. "They need to hear from me because they love me."


Relationship status


And that is the story of how I changed to be ready for Chinese New Year. If you know what kind of pain people have to go through during this time, then Happy Chinese New Year to you!


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