5 "Social Experiments" for the Socially Awkward


The drama that unfurled on the internets this week could rival a TVB grand production. If you don't know what's up, or you really aren't a drama person anyway, just read this concise timeline from SAYS (who frankly seem to be a little too enthusiastic). With so many people weighing in on the matter, it's quite difficult to keep track of what's going on.

I've been following this whole drama since day 1. While I can't say I know the perpetrator well enough to judge him or give him a death sentence, I have seen him in "action" at several events, including my cousin's wedding dinner, which still creeps me out to this day. And kids, no matter how nice the big, fedora-wearing man with a camera is, never, ever let him rub his slimy hands all over you.

I digress.

When he came out with his statement, after being caught with his hands down his pants (literally I suppose), what intrigued me the most was that he claimed it was all an elaborate "social experiment". Now, this is an interesting point, because I've handled a few social experiments in my time as a university student, and all of them involved something called "subject permission". So this new format of "social experimenting" with subjects who didn't even know they were playing a part was honestly both baffling, and frankly, exciting.

So with what I would dub the "Lionel Hawkeye Norguard" experiment as a basis for throwing morality and legality out the window, here are 5 "social experiments" for people who don't really know what those words mean.

The Kiss Blitz
Justification/Purpose: Since no girl I know will ever kiss me, I should be the one taking action instead.
Hypothesis: If I run up to a girl I like and kiss her, then it's likely that we'll fall in love and make babies.
1. Find a girl you like.
2. Follow her around like a lost little puppy.
3. Wait for her guard to be down, then swoop in like a hawk and kiss her.
4. Record your findings for science!

The Tramp Stamp
Justification/Purpose: That girl I like doesn't like me back. Look at her, all goo-goo eyes over that guy. She deserves something...that tramp.
Hypothesis: If she's a tramp, then it shouldn't be wrong for me to stamp her. Tramp stamp is a thing right?
1. Find a gir-you probably already have one
2. Wait for her to reject you.
3. Drown yourself in alcohol.
4. Trample on her when she's down for the count.
5. Record your findings because you assaulted her for science!

The Chap Slap
Justification/Purpose: That guy is looking at me funny. I must make him look the other way.
Hypothesis: If I place the palm of my hand squarely on his face with enough momentum and acceleration (equation: F = ma), it should turn the other way.
1. Find a guy you don't like, or who is looking at you funny, just plain out judging you with those clueless eyes.
2. Stride up to him and stick your face up to his.
3. Use the formulae above (F = ma) and make him regret looking you in the eye.
4. Remember your findings for record purposes because you're going to be in for a wallop for science!

The Club Rub
Justification/Purpose: I'm drunk and I need someone to dance with me.
Hypothesis: If I can just get drunk enough, I can do anything I want like rubbing up against that hot chick.
1. Go to a club and down several shots of everything.
2. Find a hot girl on the dance floor.
3. Stagger towards her in a mildly sexual manner and engage in a dance.
4. Begin rubbing up against her like a cat on a hairy leg.
5. Record your findings in the police report for science!

The Starey Mary
Justification/Purpose: Girls usually avoid my gaze, so I have to up my game and take the stare to them.
Hypothesis: If I can stare at a Mary for a long time, then I can do the same for any girl.
1. Find a girl named Mary
2. i. Stare at her for a prolonged period of time.
    ii. If she notices you, immediately abort your experiment and find another Mary.
3. Record your findings (and your staring time for each Mary) because morals are a bane to science.

I would like to say that I do not, and never have condoned any action that the perpetrator has done. It was a violation of privacy, and of trust and moral ethics. Plus, it was an all round creepy thing for him to do to those girls.

And please, for the love of all that's good, do NOT follow any of the above "social experiments". If you don't have half a brain to think that these "social experiments" are insane, then you probably should go see a psychiatrist. Believe me, you need it.


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